This is it! My first newsletter!
A goofy closer look at why recommended gift lists are pretty terrible.
Hi, friends!
Ages ago, when I blogged, I would write an annual post going over Oprah’s yearly Favourite Things list in excruciating, exhausting detail. So many expensive gifts for dogs! So many things - exercise equipment! food scales! anti-aging creams! - that are fine as objects but terribly fraught as gifts. My stance, which I will stand by forever, is that giving someone a present that suggests that their body/face/soul is bad and needs fixing is TERRIBLE.
And it is that time of year again - not quite Oprah list time, but certainly the time when so many magazines and websites start frantically making gift suggestion lists. I love them so much, they are all pretty terrible, and there are so many gifts I would never, ever want.
My husband asked me what I was going to write about in my first newsletter and I breezily told him that I was going to write about a list of gifts for each of the 16 Myers-Briggs Personality Types. He was so worried. “What if people don’t know what that is?” he asked. BABE. EVERYONE WHO WOULD READ THIS ALSO KNOWS MYERS-BRIGGS. (but if you don’t: it’s a personality test! Some people take it VERY SERIOUSLY. You can find yours here!) This list is from Parade - with fictional examples of each type as chosen by me for illumination and my own personal amusement - and here we go!
ISTJ - conforming, hard-working lovers of order and simplicity. Parade suggests the Lexon Wireless Charger Station with Built-in UV Sanitizer, which may be the single worst gift suggestion I have ever heard. Imagine being given that and then be haunted by what the gift giver thinks of you and your internal life. Imagine being given that by your own true love. Imagine giving this fussy gadget to the Ron Swanson in your life.
What to give instead: I dunno, this is pretty deeply removed from who I am. Tools? Whiskey? Cash? Something useful and not silly or precious, I’d imagine.
ISFJ - kindly, generous, self-sacrificing souls who would probably enjoy the suggested Engraved Numerals Weekly Planner, which I guess is a fine, thoughtful gift for people who like planners and are not me. The article’s suggestion to make it “with pictures borrowed from their social media accounts, such as Instagram or Facebook” is off-putting. Please don’t borrow my Facebook photos. But you could doubtlessly give the ISFJ in your life a nice planner as a gift.
What to give them as well: a gentle suggestion to make sure safe search is on when they look up My Little Pony images. My poor EYES.
INFJ - Suspicious, compassionate and insightful and I’m not entirely certain what the recommended gift is. Is it a box of… personalized photos? I’m not sure what I think of that.
What to give them instead: a way to keep annoying clergypeople from proposing to them, or an interesting new book.
INTJ - This type is apparently very very rare and yet every other person I know/am married to is this type which makes me a little suspicious. They are competent, aloof, logical, analytical dreamboats. The suggested gift for them - a Masterclass Unlimited Subscription - feels like Ted Talks with homework and if they want that so much, they can get it for themselves. Ugh.
What to give instead: I am bravely fighting down my initial response as to what I would like to give Mr Darcy, as pictured, and will politely say that I normally give my husband a nice board game, an interesting novel and whatever weird technical tools he’s interested in at the moment.
ISTP - Adaptable, practical, suspicious loners! Maybe they WOULD like the world’s ugliest backpack as suggested by Parade.
But I like my suggestion - a companion robot who likes to do crimes - better.
ISFP - Impulsive, competitive, idealistic folks who probably deserve better than a travel mug.
What to give them instead: a membership to their nearest art museum, a bottle of nice wine, a pair of sweet lovebirds.
INFP - Idealistic, gullible dreamers. The article suggests giving them a Malachite Gemstone Necklace which is pretty grim.
What to give instead: I looked up pictures of haunted dolls to waggishly suggest as a gift and regretted it, so I really do not recommend that. But a haunted doll itself would be a thoughtful gift. Do that at once!
INTP - Abstract skeptics who aren’t very good at day to day things and the Parade article suggests giving them a Black+Decker Cordless Drill with Bits? This might be an ideal gift for Ron up at number 1 but not right at all for Luna/Luna-types, come ON.
What to give instead: a trip to Space Camp, a telescope, The Usborne World of the Unknown Ghosts.
ESTP - Resourceful, adventurous and morally flexible types and the suggested gift of The Bushcraft Boxed Set sounds pretty good, actually, and ALSO generated a lot of other tremendously adventurous gift suggestions so I give this idea an A+.
ESFP - Oh Captain Wentworth! You are so dreamy! Charismatic, enthusiastic, adventurous types and the suggestion of concert tickets is fine.
ENFP - Creative, goofy, and empathetic people and this is my type right here, which will allow me to authoritatively state that I have enough mugs and don’t want this mug at all.
What to get me instead: I asked my youngest daughter and she said “creepy antique ceramics with faces,” which is a perfect answer. Get me that.
ENTP - highly organized, clever and versatile. Parade suggests Oculus Go Standalone Virtual Reality Headset and does anyone like those, really? They’re the sort of thing grandparents who don’t get Kids Today think Kids Today like.
What to get instead: an overnight trip to the Ice Hotel in Quebec, a new set of bow and arrows, and one very overexcited MBTI list I used as a reference suggested “sex.” Calm down, buddy.
ESTJ - meticulous, decisive and logical and Parade suggests giving them an “H20 Coach Motivational Water Bottle.” I can’t imagine looking at that and thinking HERE IS THE PERFECT GIFT but maybe you can.
What to give them instead: the same overexcited MBTI list I referred to early suggests “gift cards” so perhaps ESTJs are hard to shop for. Get them a nice gift card!
ESFJ - honest, helpful and conscientious types and I orginally had Michael Scott as my example but that felt mean so instead: Lisa from Rear Window. The list suggested a personalized Christmas ornament which is fine, I guess, but uninspired.
What to get them instead: nice perfume, an Audible subscription, Jeff finally wanting to settle down.
ENFJ - compassionate, all-seeing mystery solvers. Parade suggests a handmade coupon book and when my son was much younger, he gave me a coupon book he had made in school and his face fell as I read all of the promised coupons out loud and he realized that it was full of PROMISES OF WORK FROM HIM. Anyhow, I can’t imagine Jessica Fletcher really enjoying a coupon book although she would be incredibly gracious about it.
What to give them instead: just one day without a freaking murder in it, a nice vintage typewriter, a new bike.
ENTJ - charismatic, complex and creative and their suggestion is the New York Times Custom Baseball Book. There it is! The thing I want least in the world! I’d rather have the phone zapping pot! And of course there are likely many people who would love this and if so: here is a perfect, thoughtful gift for them. But I can’t imagine Mary Poppins being delighted with it.
What to give instead: a bakery crawl, a hot air balloon ride, a fancy scarf, or a magic carpetbag.
And there we go - my first newsletter! Coming up: GOOP’s horrifying list, Oprah’s always delightful list and many more - please send me any great list suggestions you find, and if you’ve enjoyed this, let your friends know about it! Thanks for subscribing!
Rebecca